Teaching Your Children Obedience

Bishop Irenei (Bogolyubov) of Ekaterinburg and Sibirsk (+1860)

 

Only a few passages in the Gospels refer to the childhood years of our Lord Jesus Christ, but these few are very significant and instructive. Thus, St. Luke the Evangelist writes about the twelve-year-old Jesus: “And he went down with them, and came to Nazareth, and was subject unto them” (Luke 2:51).

The quality the Evangelist emphasizes here about the “child Jesus”—His obedience to His earthly parents—the Apostle Paul also stresses in reference to His Heavenly Father, when he writes about Jesus in His adult years: “He was obedient unto death, even the death of the Cross” (Phil. 2:8). The Apostle goes even further—on this obedience hangs the salvation of the whole world. “For as by one man’s disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous” (Rom. 5:19).

It is not necessary for us to speak at length about the lofty significance of obedience in the life of mankind in general; all parents know how important it is in the rearing of children. We can even say that he who has succeeded in teaching his children obedience has solved the problem of their upbringing. This is because the will is the strongest power of the soul, governing all the other powers. That which we will, that we also think, say, and do.

God gives the soul this power so that it can will and do only what is good, and abhor and avoid what is evil. But our will is weak by reason of sin and tends to incline towards evil. Even if we know what is good, we have the strength neither to will nor to do it. “For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would nor, that I do” (Rom. 7:19).

This weakening of the good will is the result of original sin, as is also capriciousness and obstinacy, which from childhood must be overcome and uprooted. A grapevine bears a rich harvest of sweet fruit, not when it is left to grow as it would, but when it is pruned and trained to a trellis. Discipline has the same result in a child—by restraining waywardness and obstinacy, it enables him to bring forth fruit.

However, before I speak about the most simple and sure ways to teach children obedience—which, I think, is what chiefly interest fathers and mothers—I must emphasize here that obedience is a “plant” that cannot grow and bear fruit in every home. It flourishes only where the soil is suitable.

In families where a spirit of disrespect for the laws of God and man prevails, where no authority is recognized, or where divine or human laws are only invoked to defend one’s own advantage, children cannot be taught obedience. Whoever wants his children to obey him must himself respect every proper authority and just law. These authorities are God, the Church, and the State. Do we ourselves, first of all, respect these authorities and their laws?

Many do not reflect at all on their duties towards God, while they eagerly take great pains over anything that stirs their interest. Moreover, in many families God is discussed as though He were a fairy tale, and as though faith in Him is suitable only for old women. All this the child sees and hears. We can easily predict that he will draw the conclusion: “If my father doesn’t honor God, doesn’t obey God, then I don’t have to honor or obey my father. If God and His commandments are myths, then the fifth commandment, ‘Honor thy father and mother...’ is also a myth. It follows that my parents don’t have to mean anything to me.” And we have to agree with this conclusion, for logic is on the side of the child!

Thus, one can understand that parents who do not respect the Church cannot teach their children obedience. “What have I to do with the priest? Why do I need his advice? Can we really believe all he says?” Such words the children hear at home, while at school and in church they learn that “children must obey their parents, priests, and all adults.”

The priest dutifully repeats to the children: “Honor your father and mother...,” while at home the parents mock him and undermine his work. The child will come to the final conclusion: “Since my father doesn’t recognize any of the commandments of God that the priest talks about, there is no reason for me to listen to the priest when he teaches us about the fifth commandment.” Again, logic is on the child’s side!

The same applies to lawful civil authority. Thus, whoever despises the authority of God and the Church and who obeys the civil laws only out of fear, or not at all, cannot demand respect for his own authority from his children. Therefore, parents, if you want your children to be obedient to you, you yourselves must respect all legitimate authorities and observe their laws.

But let us suppose that a home possesses the proper atmosphere for the cultivation of obedience in children. How are we to cultivate it? Take note of some rules to be followed:

Don’t permit any stubbornness or capriciousness in your children, however young they may be. This doesn’t mean, however, that you should completely curtail the child’s will. If he lays claim to something he is entitled to have, you must fulfill his desire with full willingness. For example, if he asks for food at an appropriate time because he is hungry, you should fulfill his desire. If you refuse, you will be harsh and unloving. Does he ask for something he needs in school? You must give him what he asks for, because otherwise you will force him to acquire it in some illegitimate way. It is a different matter when the child asks for something that is not allowable—then you must refuse him, regardless of his tears. Pay no attention to your child’s self-willed whims, for whoever gives way once will forever after be a slave to him.

In the endeavor to overcome their children’s obstinacy and capriciousness, the parents must act in concert. The one must not cast down what the other has built up. A child never becomes so self-willed as when one parent allows what the other forbids. For example, the child comes to the mother crying and complaining that the father has not given him something he asked for. The mother should not express her sympathy for the child, and still less any displeasure against the father for not doing the child’s will. The older children should do the same, as well as relatives and everyone living in the house—and especially the grandparents.

Do not allow children to disturb their older brothers and sisters, the servants, or any older people. They should not give arrogant commands. They should ask for what they want, not order it. They should be grateful for what is given them, and express thanks for it.

Never overlook your children’s disobedience—whatever the father or mother says must be done without delay. The child’s conscience should tell him: “If 1 don’t immediately do what father or mother says, I’m not doing well.” The parents should know in advance that whatever they say will be done without fail. Only in this way can we overcome children’s waywardness and help them form a will that is strong and inclined towards the good.

Obedience is in essence the submission of one’s will to the will of another. But in order for me to submit my will to another’s, I must respect that person. If I am to follow him, I must love him. Therefore, you must conduct yourselves in such a way that your children will respect you, for respect is a fundamental prerequisite of obedience.

By nature, a child feels special respect for his parents. The fifth commandment supports this natural feeling. What happens, however, when he sees something in his parents that provokes repugnance and hatred in his innocent child’s feelings, when he is unable to respect them however much he wants to? How can a child respect a father who is continually drunk, a mother who insults and curses, parents who constantly quarrel? When parents give a bad example, they not only shake their children’s respect for them, but also.undermine the foundations of obedience. Won’t the child think: “But what kind of parents are you?”

So parents must watch their behavior and avoid anything that could impair their children’s regard for them. Take care to never belittle each other, or you will undermine your children’s respect. The father and mother must be ruled by feelings of mutual respect and treat each other considerately. They must never blame each other. They must never allow themselves unseemly discussions, especially in front of the children. Never let them hear expressions like: “You're always lying, just like your father,” “You're going to grow up to be as useless as your father,” or, “You're just as wasteful as your mother,” “You're lazy, just like your mother.” When children hear words like these, it is idle to ask for their respect and obedience.

Furthermore, never allow yourselves unbecoming jokes and games with the children. The father who habitually plays the clown in front of his children cannot expect respect from them, and neither has he any right to complain about their own unsuitable behavior. This doesn’t mean that you always have to be serious and stern with them. Everyone can easily distinguish the tender and affectionate gravity of parents from the foolish clowning that decreases their authority. Children will always feel the greatest reverence for a sober and fondly-loving father. One glance from him is enough to make them obey immediately.

Do you want your children to be obedient? Show them your love. Not a love that weakens them, that gives way to all their demands, but a wise and heartfelt love that looks to their true benefit. When a child sees such love, he will obey not from fear but from reverence.

Don’t be indifferent to your child’s joys and sorrows! Never say that the children are a burden or torment for you. Never indicate that any sacrifice on your part for your children’s happiness is too great or heavy. Always give your children whatever they need, with willingness and joy. How can a small child love parents who grumble at giving him a piece of bread? Every now and then, give your children small satisfactions and joys. A little present on some feast day or on his name day, when given with love, strengthens a child’s love.

Draw your children’s hearts to you; create an open and trusting relationship with them. Distrust and lack of confidence kills love.

Don’t augment a fair punishment with scornful ridicule or biting reproaches. One such incident can harden a child’s heart and extinguish every trace of love.

These are the basic means you should conscientiously use to teach your children obedience. First of all, accustom them to obey you because it is the will of God. Take care in time that capriciousness does not become rooted in them. Do not tolerate their obstinacy or impudence towards anyone. Don’t give them everything they want. Accustom them to self-control, moderation, and temperance.

Always demand that your children do what you say immediately and exactly. Be consistent—you should only have to speak once. But for your children to be able to obey, never tell them to do something they cannot, something that exceeds their ability. Do not yourself be capricious or arbitrary in your demands, allowing today what you forbade yesterday. Don’t oppose each other in actions concerning the children. Take care to retain your children’s respect for you, avoiding anything that could shake it.

Finally, never forget to invoke the blessing of God on your work in bringing up your children. Only then will your labor, struggles and concern be crowned with success. With God’s help, your children will learn obedience.

 

Source: On the Upbringing of Children, Bishop Irenaius of Ekaterinburg & Sibirsk, St. Xenia Skete, Wildwood, CA, 1991, Chapter 3.