Bishop Porphyry (Uspensky) of Chigirin (+1885)
In the next world each person
will receive recompense for his deeds. This truth is proclaimed to me by the
Gospel, accepted by my reason, and affirmed by my conscience.
The righteous God will justly
condemn and punish me—justly. For He made me but little lower than the angels;
yet I made myself like the senseless beasts. He gave me everything necessary
for my enlightenment and sanctification: reason and conscience, law and grace,
the Savior and the Church, spiritual guides and examples of holy life; but I
despised all this, and, having loved sin, became lawless and dark like the
fallen morning star. The Lord is righteous, and righteously will He condemn me;
for in nothing have I been wronged by Him, yet I, ungrateful and audacious,
have angered Him, the giver to me of life and of all good things.
When His dread and impartial
judgment begins, then no one will entreat Him to have mercy on me—not the
saints of God, nor the holy angels, nor the zealous Intercessor—because there
will be nothing for which to show me mercy, since I am incapable of living in
paradise with the saints and capable of sinning eternally even in hell itself.
And the righteous Judge is no longer inclined to forgive when it is time to
condemn.
But in this world, while God
still endures our sins, and while He, like a father, is ready to forgive and
receive every prodigal son, it is still possible for me now to avert His future
condemnation and to prepare for eternal salvation. In my eyes not all tears
have yet been exhausted; in my soul the light of reason has not yet been
extinguished; my conscience has not yet completely fallen silent; and the law
of God instructs, the Church forgives, Jesus saves, grace strengthens; the
saints shine like guiding stars; the path to salvation has been shown—this is
the path of repentance and good works.
It is time for me to enter upon
this path; it is time. Life is short. Death stands behind my shoulders. The
soul is burdened by sins. Relief is possible. Its beginning is confession.
Therefore, I make confession. O
God, be merciful to me, a sinner, and receive my heartfelt repentance for my
grievous sins.
1. Our salvation begins with
renunciation of this sinful and adulterous world, or with contempt for
everything that worldly people love and praise, and with indifference toward
earthly and perishable goods, which are worth nothing in comparison with the
heavenly and eternal blessings. — But I am wholly devoted to this world, and I
love money, luxury, honors, glory, fine clothing, amusements, dances, and
especially living pictures, although I know from experience that after them, as
after festive fireworks, nothing remains except stench and darkness. O God, be
merciful to me, a sinner; weaken and cool within me the love for this world,
and—whether I will it or not—lead me on the path of salvation.
2. Indifference to this sinful
and adulterous world is the turning of the soul toward spiritual perfection,
and the first step toward it is true and tearful repentance. It is the strict
condemnation of oneself before the face of God, tearful contrition for sins,
and unceasing attention to the work of the soul’s salvation. One who truly
repents confesses his transgressions, bewails his errors, and, despite his
daily sins, does not fall into despondency nor abandon piety, but practices it
vigilantly; and, watching over himself, he replaces his offenses with deeds
completely opposed to them. — But I sometimes condemn myself strictly, yet most
often excuse my sins; sometimes I am contrite for them, yet from my eyes does
not fall that holy water which washes away the impurities of the soul;
sometimes I strive to be reconciled with God and with my conscience, yet I do
not perform good deeds opposed to evil. Have I grown slothful? I do not double
my labors. Have I indulged my belly? I do not fast. Have I angered or offended
anyone? I do not immediately ask forgiveness. Have I been stingy? I do not
become generous. Have I grown proud? I do not humble myself. In a word: in
darkness I do not kindle the light. O God, be merciful to me, a sinner, and
grant me the gift of true repentance.
3. He who begins to save his
soul, amid all his occupations, remembers that the omnipresent and omniscient
God sees him through and through; and this remembrance restrains him from
inclinations toward falsehood, injustice, offense, deceit, and other sins, and
strengthens his zeal for every good work. — But whatever I do, I do not with
thought of the all-knowing God, but of human opinion about me and of my own
advantage. O God, be merciful to me, a sinner; remember not my forgetfulness of
Thy holy and saving name, and speak to my soul Thy word spoken to Abraham: “I
am the Lord Almighty; walk before Me and be blameless” (Gen. 17:1).
4. He who begins to save his soul
daily reminds himself of the hour of death and of the dread judgment, not
fearing death, which is replaced by resurrection; and this remembrance
restrains within him the impulses of evil passions and warns him against mortal
sins, [1] according to the assurance of the word of God: “remember thy last
end, and thou shalt never sin” (Eccl. 8). — But if I think of death at all,
I fear to die; and this fear proves that my soul has not been washed by the
tears of repentance and does not possess that love for God which gave wings to
the martyrs on their path to the heavenly kingdom. O God, be merciful to me, a
sinner; do not impute to me my fear of death, when I know that Thou art the God
of the living and not of the dead; help me by Thy grace to overcome it, and
grant me at least a drop of that love with which the holy martyrs loved Thee.
5. He who saves his soul lives
temperately and restrains his body by the appointed fasts, as a faithful son of
the holy, catholic, and apostolic Church. — But I live without restraint, am at
times intemperate, and do not observe the fasts, like one separated from my
brethren and sisters in the Lord; and even if I fast, I merely change my food,
yet do not restrain my passions, do not refrain from idle talk, do not
reconcile myself with my neighbors, and do not nourish myself with holy
thoughts. O God, be merciful to me, a sinner and disobedient to Thy holy
Church; instruct me to fast with a fast acceptable and pleasing to the Lord.
6. It is salutary for the soul to
avoid association with free-thinking and immoral people. — But I associate with
them, and at times am carried away by their teachings and examples. O Lord, I
condemn before Thee this my inclination, and I ask Thee to deliver me from
every evil person.
7. It is salutary for the soul to
read the Gospel and the Apostolic Epistles in simplicity of heart. — But I do
not read them, loving instead such books as nourish my impure imagination and
my soul-destroying passions. O Lord, direct my steps according to Thy word, and
let no iniquity have dominion over me.
8. It is salutary to pray in the
temple of God with the common prayer, which raises the soul to God as a wave
lifts a ship toward the heavens. — But I am lazy in going to church, and when I
am there, I forget where I stand, engage in idle talk, wander in thought, gaze
at living pictures; and if I make the sign of the cross and pray, I do so by
habit, coldly, without the soaring of the soul toward God, without the burning
of the heart; nor have I learned to pray with the common, unanimous prayer. The
Little Entrance with the Gospel is performed; I ought to say within myself:
Save us, O Son of God—but I say nothing. The Cherubic Hymn is sung; I ought to
pray: Have mercy on me, O God, according to Thy great mercy… cleanse my
iniquity… against Thee only have I sinned… (and so forth); yet I do not even
know this penitential psalm by heart. The Great Entrance with the Gifts is
performed; I ought prayerfully to say: Remember us, O Lord, when Thou comest
in Thy kingdom; yet at that moment I think neither of the Lord nor of His
future kingdom. I hear the exclamation: Let us give thanks unto the Lord—and I
do not thank Him for all His benefactions. I hear the triumphal hymn: Holy,
Holy, Holy, Lord of Sabaoth—and I do not pray to Him: Sanctify me, O Lord,
and help me to sanctify Thy name by good works. At the most sacred moments
of the divine service, when they sing: We hymn Thee; and when the Holy Spirit
is invoked upon us and upon the Gifts set forth, I do not cry to God in the
secret of my soul: Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right
spirit within me; cast me not away from Thy presence, and take not Thy Holy
Spirit from me. And at those moments when they sing: It is truly meet;
and when supplication is offered to God for the repose of the departed and for
the salvation of all the living, I do not remember my parents who departed in
the faith, nor do I pray for anyone. To me and to all is proclaimed: With
the fear of God and with faith draw near; yet I do not respond: I believe,
O Lord, and I confess that Thou art truly the Christ, the Son of the living
God, who camest into the world to save sinners, of whom I am first. O God, be
merciful to me, a sinner; forgive me the sin of my ignorance, and teach me to
worship Thee in spirit and in truth together with my believing brethren.
9. A righteous Christian does not
take the name of God in vain, remembering the commandment of the Savior: let
your word be: yes, yes; no, no (Matt. 5:37). — But I swear and take oaths,
at times shamelessly, and I violate my oath. O Lord, have mercy on me, a
sinner, and write this commandment upon the tablets of my heart.
10. A righteous Christian does
not lie. — But I lie very often, and by falsehood I sometimes conceal my
offenses, sometimes avoid deserved reproach or punishment, sometimes give
occasion to others for mockery and condemnation of those about whom I speak
falsely or with exaggeration, and sometimes weave snares for my neighbors. O
God, be merciful to me, a sinner; remember not my lies, neither the frivolous
nor the harmful, and fill my heart with Thy fear and with love for
righteousness and truth.
11. A righteous Christian is
simple of heart and straightforward. Simplicity of heart, or
straightforwardness, is the habit of speaking and acting sincerely, without any
pretense or deceit, without pleasing men or flattery, without evil or crafty
intent. — But I do not possess such a habit; on the contrary, I speak not what
I feel, lavish false assurances, deceive, act with pretense, hypocrisy,
cunning, and guile; I flatter, serve not the cause but persons, appear gentle
and kind, yet in my soul conceal harmful intent; I praise someone in order to
distance him from myself and hand him over to others; I express myself about
someone ambiguously or by hints, so as cleverly to cast him down and myself
take his place. O God, be merciful to me, a sinner. I condemn before Thee my
lack of straightforwardness, hypocrisy, guile, deceit, the kiss of Judas, and I
beseech Thee: cleanse me from this defilement and make me as an infant
toward evil.
12. A righteous Christian
remembers that every person is the image and likeness of God, and according to
the commandment of the Lord dishonors no one with abusive names (Matt. 5:22). —
But I, especially in anger, pour out upon the image and likeness of God all the
impure and even shameful dregs of human speech. O God, forgive me, a sinner,
who has defiled Thy holy gift—the gift of speech—and has reviled Thy image and
Thy likeness with names forbidden by Thy law.
13. A righteous Christian does
not judge his neighbors, according to the commandment of the Lord: Judge
not, that ye be not judged (Matt. 7:1); and when he must speak of them, he
reproves the vice or the sin, but not the sinner. — But I attribute vices to
others without being certain whether they possess them; I condemn the
weaknesses of others without regard to my own, and forget that the one whom I
judge may already have corrected himself and been shown mercy by the Savior.
The right to judge one who has sinned belongs to God alone. Yet I anticipate
this right before Him, and thus act foolishly. O God, be merciful to me, a
sinner; forgive my evil speech which burdens my conscience, and bless me to
love all people together with their shortcomings.
14. A righteous Christian is
modest and meek. He is not puffed up by praise nor does he proclaim it, and he
is not offended by humiliations; he rejoices quietly; he speaks without
offending anyone’s hearing by harsh or shameful words; everywhere and with everyone
he conducts himself decently, calming another’s anger either by silence or by
gentleness. — But when I am praised, I recount to everyone the praise given to
me, not forgetting to add that such and such a merit of mine was overlooked;
and when others are preferred to me, I take offense, grieve, and shout. My
merriment is noisy, my conversations mocking, scandalous, and often obscene; my
conduct toward people is not always decorous; another’s anger I increase by my
irritability, and at times end matters with blows. O Lord, forgive me all this
frenzy of mine, and grant to me, Thy servant, modesty, meekness, and timely
silence.
15. A righteous Christian is
obedient not only to authorities, but also to all wise and experienced people,
and in conversations with them on whatever subject does not impose his own
opinions upon them; he listens calmly to their objections and refutations; their
well-grounded arguments he accepts willingly; otherwise he disputes meekly and
peaceably, showing his desire to know the truth or what is right, and not his
self-love, wit, cleverness, or breadth of knowledge. — But I consider myself
wiser than all, cannot endure objections, and always wish to have things my own
way with my characteristic stubbornness; when I am fully convinced of the
rightness of a matter or of the soundness of my judgments, I continue the
dispute with irritation, even with personal offense toward my interlocutor; yet
from this I gain absolutely nothing, but only weary everyone and reveal my
imagined superiority of mind, stubbornness, and pride. O God, be merciful to
me, a sinner; set a guard upon my lips, and grant to me, Thy servant, разумное
obedience and humility of mind.
16. A righteous Christian
observes moderation in all things. He is neither excessively indulgent nor
overly strict, neither excessively affectionate nor long threatening. He is
just without cruelty, renders to each his due, and conceals the superiority of
his own person by humility and kindness, sparing the self-esteem of others. —
But I am not such: either I overlook everything, or I exact punishment even for
trifles; whom I treat kindly, I do so to the point of weariness or even harm by
my attentions; and toward whom I am angry, I remain so not until the setting of
the sun, according to the word of St. Paul, but for a long time, sometimes very
long; my justice is harsh; I envy talents and belittle virtue; in everyone I
love to discover a weak side and point it out to others, and by my supposed
superiority I wound the soul of anyone unequal to me. O God, be merciful to me,
a sinner; forgive my deviations from the mean of prudence, justice, love, and
propriety, and establish me in this moderation, that I may always remain
consistent with myself, and that my conscience may not reproach me for acting
prudently yet not justly, or justly yet cruelly or improperly.
A righteous Christian wrongs no
one, but forgives the insults and offenses done to him, and is kindly disposed
even toward those who have offended him, even in their presence. — But I offend
and injure many; and when someone insults or wrongs me, I rage, threaten, and
take revenge if I can; and if I cannot, then in society I pretend to be patient
and magnanimous, yet at home I long and precisely remember the offensive word,
the contemptuous smile, the ambiguous remark, the mockery, the ingratitude, and
the like. O God, be merciful to me, a sinner. I condemn before Thee my rage,
vindictiveness, my hypocritical magnanimity and real resentment, and I beseech
Thee: by Thy grace imprint within me the image of the all-merciful Savior, who
prayed even for His enemies, and grant to me, Thy servant, goodness and the
sincere and magnanimous endurance of offenses.
18. A righteous Christian loves
his enemies. — But I hate them and am inclined to harm them as I wish and as I
am able. The leaven of malice is within me. O God, have mercy on me, a sinner,
and help me by Thy grace to love my enemies. They are necessary for me. They
help me to recognize the full strength of my innate malice and the great need
for grace-given love, without which it is impossible to become like God, who
makes His sun to shine upon the good and the evil.
19. The Gospel says to those who
suffer: Rejoice and be glad, for great is your reward in heaven, and
thereby teaches that it is best of all to suffer quietly before the face of the
all-knowing God, who prepares a great reward for those who suffer, and not to
complain against the causes of suffering. — But I complain of them to others,
and seemingly wish thereby to lighten my sorrow, yet in reality I irritate
myself still more, myself fall into sin, and lead my listeners into sin. For,
by recounting my sufferings to them, I magnify them in my own eyes, grow
self-indulgent, and feel more keenly the pain of my heart’s wounds; I justify
myself as though I were guilty of nothing and lay my burden upon others; and
the sympathy awakened in those who listen often turns into gossip and
accusation against the opposing side. How many evil aspects there are here! All
this proves that one ought not to seek consolation in such a way. One must know
how even to complain rightly. But I do not possess such knowledge. O Lord, have
mercy on me, a sinner, and bless me to suffer quietly and to pray with the
prayer of my Savior: if it be possible, let this cup pass from me;
nevertheless, if it cannot be, let the will of God be done.
20. According to the word of the
Gospel, blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God.
— But I, wretched one, myself quarrel with many and set others at
variance—husband with wife, brother with sister, friend with friend, superior
with subordinate. O Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner, and tame my harsh and
evil disposition.
21. A righteous Christian loves
all who are dear to his heart—his relatives, friends, and acquaintances—he
loves them in God; he loves in them the image and likeness of God and that
grace of the Lord which is given to them according to the measure of their faith;
he loves them with their shortcomings for the sake of certain of their virtues,
and therefore his love for them, though not ardent, is nevertheless constant
and unchanging. — But my love toward all is impulsive and fervent, yet not
lasting, because it is an extended love for myself; because in others I love
myself and my own advantage; and as soon as I notice that they are not as I am,
or do not fully sympathize with me, or are mistaken about me, or are strict, or
not very just toward me, or when nothing is to be expected from them, I first
grow cold toward them, then withdraw from them, and finally either cease
altogether to love people and delight only in myself, or seek among them those
who would highly value my merits. O God, merciful toward all who love Thee and
who love Thee not, forgive the inconstancy of my love; instruct and bless me to
love all for Thy sake, their Creator and Savior, and for the sake of their good
qualities; weaken my self-love, which seeks admirers and worshipers for myself
and is never satisfied with any incense, lest I come to that extreme where one
ceases altogether to love his neighbor and concerns himself only with himself.
I fear this extreme. Strengthen within me this fear.
22. A righteous Christian does
not profit from another’s property and does not envy it; he is compassionate
toward the unfortunate, merciful to the poor, and kind toward those who
surround him. His relatives and worthy friends he loves sincerely and defends firmly,
and he rewards their services generously. Neither self-love, nor vanity, nor
expectation of reward corrupts the purity of his goodness and mercy, because he
performs all good deeds in the name of God, who is love. But I, if I do not
steal another’s property, have nevertheless acquired (have acquired)
possessions unjustly, or envy the prosperity of my neighbors. — I am rich, yet
miserly: I pity the unfortunate, but do not help them, or give very little, and
live for my own pleasure. — I give alms to the poor, but only accidentally; I
have no fixed yearly portion for them from my property or from my indulgences.
Those who surround me and have devoted to me their youth and their strength
with complete loyalty I do not reward as I ought, although I am able to do so.
I defend worthy friends and intercede for them, but weakly—now fearing failure,
now sparing my self-love, now avoiding trouble out of love for my own comfort. It
happens that I shower benefactions upon strangers, while to my own relatives,
even the closest, I give little. It also happens that into all my works of
mercy there is mixed today laziness, tomorrow irritability and indignation
toward the poor, often vanity, and sometimes an impure favor, by which more is
given to a pleasing face and less to one that is not attractive. O Lord, have
mercy on me, a sinner, who possesses neither pure nor strong goodness of heart,
and by Thy grace cleanse and strengthen it.
23. A righteous husband loves his
wife as Christ loved the Church; he prays for her, honors her as a gift of God
and as a God-like co-heir of eternal life; he is not unfaithful to her; he
conducts himself toward her decently and with restraint, permitting himself
nothing contrary to feminine modesty and to beginning motherhood; he is careful
not to grieve her, conceals her shortcomings from others, and corrects them
gently; he regards her as his helper and seeks her counsel and agreement in
family matters; wise counsel he accepts, and unfounded counsel he declines,
pointing out to her those aspects of the matter which she does not see, yet
doing so without offending her. As the head of the whole household, he cares
for its present and future well-being and keeps his home as a church, in which
all glorify the heavenly Father through piety and good works. Such is a
righteous husband. But I, a sinner, although I know that such I ought to be, do
not fulfill my duty. My love for my wife is not sanctified either by fervent
prayer for her or by regarding her as the image and likeness of God, as a gift
of the heavenly Father, as a co-heir of eternal life with Christ; and therefore
I sometimes am unfaithful to her… (indulge her distractions…), sometimes weary
her by my lack of restraint, harmful to blessed childbearing, permit myself
various shameless and disorderly acts, and most often grieve her… (torment her
by suspicion, jealousy, stinginess, pride, irritability, even blows…), and
disclose her shortcomings, whereas I ought to cover them with love and correct
them gradually and patiently. My wife is more a servant than a helper to me.
She counsels me in all that is good and beneficial, yet I do not listen to her
and even insult her with abusive names. It also happens that even her prudent
silence enrages me. And my gravest sin is negligence toward my household,
toward the upbringing of my children in the fear of God, toward the pious
ordering of my entire family, and the squandering of property elsewhere. O God,
be merciful to me, a sinner; forgive my transgressions and heal my soul.
24. A righteous wife constantly
loves her husband; respects and honors him as the image and gift of God; prays
for him; submits to him as to the head, because God has commanded her such
submission; pleases him in everything in which it is possible and proper; fears
to cool his love; preserves marital fidelity to him; never leaves him without
special necessity; bears his irritability, stubbornness, and every other
shortcoming patiently, and little by little overcomes them by her own
yieldingness and meekness, and at a fitting time by gentle counsels and
requests, sometimes by silence, sometimes by tears; she captivates his mind and
heart by the beauty of a God-pleasing life. She firmly remembers that her best
adornment consists in piety, good works, and well-brought-up children, and not
in braided hair, nor gold, nor precious stones, nor costly garments; yet she
does not reject such outward adornment when there is prosperity, and when it is
necessary to improve circumstances, [2] she readily renounces it. She is
pleasing to God, a helper to her husband, a second grace to her children, and
for all the household an example of order, purity, and good conduct. It is a
joy for her to fulfill the commandment which enjoins the good governance of the
household. [3] Such is a righteous wife. But I am inconstant—today tender,
tomorrow cold toward my husband, and at times I even doubt whether I truly love
him as I ought. It happens that I do not submit to him nor please him, although
I am able. I often grieve him by my irritability, quarrelsomeness,
stubbornness, and sometimes by my gossip. I possess little patience. My marital
fidelity is not without temptations. I do not live in a God-pleasing manner,
and therefore lack the strength to correct my husband’s weaknesses. The passion
for adornment is my most dangerous enemy. Fashions never leave my mind, while I
think but little of adorning myself with virtues. I do not please God. I love
to prevail over my husband and do much according to my own will, although I see
that through my self-love and dominance the peace of our family is disturbed. I
love my children, yet do not serve as an example of piety to them, and for this
God, their Creator, will require an account from me. Not all in the household
are satisfied with me. I am burdened by household management (and do not attend
to it). In all things I am sinful. I repent. O Lord, receive my repentance and
heal my soul.
25. A youth brought up in the
Christian law is filled with the fear of God, which restrains all his
self-will; he is obedient to parents, instructors, and superiors, respectful
toward elders, compassionate, modest, bashful, and chaste. — But I am not
God-fearing, and therefore self-willed, disobedient, mocking, insolent, cruel,
malicious, shameless, and not pure. I repent. O Lord, receive my repentance and
heal my soul.
26. A maiden brought up in the
Christian law knows and often reminds herself that she belongs, as to no one
else, to the Lord alone, and therefore must be holy in body and soul. She
preserves her virginity as a fragrance placed in a fragile vessel, and therefore
avoids all places and occasions where she may be in danger; she restrains
herself even from excessive laughter, anger, and irritability, lest her blood
be stirred, and occupies herself with handiwork so that daydreaming may not
take possession of her. Her soul is so guarded and cautious that neither a
sharp nor tender word, nor an affectionate or stern glance, nor a smile or
anger, nor cordial greeting or gentle farewell gives men occasion either to
seduce her or to grow familiar with her. Unaccustomed to free insinuations and
vulgar conversations, she speaks modestly and chastely, and compels all to
respect her for that purity of speech in which the innocence of her soul shines
forth. A Christian maiden meets and honors every person as the image and
likeness of God; she loves intellect, talents, merits, and virtues, and not
handsome dolls. Does she form friendships? She forms them so that her
friendship may endure even in heaven. Does she appear in society? She appears
in order to bring chastity to it by her presence. Spiritual communion with wise
people is pleasing to her, for she knows that from them she will acquire
clarified faith, useful knowledge, and proper speech. Her distinguishing
qualities, besides chastity, are humility, meekness, modesty, bashfulness,
obedience, compassion, and prayerful concentration in God. Such is a Christian
maiden. But I am proud, irritable, talkative, mocking, stubborn, malicious,
lazy, dreamy, and so careless that I myself give men occasion to behave toward
me with freedom. Their outward brilliance pleases me more than inner virtues.
Of friendship it is said that it is half of love, and the purest half; yet of
my friendships with certain persons I cannot say that they are without sin. My
appearance with maidens like myself at so-called balls more often inflames
young men than promotes chastity in them. In the presence of spiritual and wise
men I am composed and attentive to them, but without them I am mere frivolity
itself. I condemn this duplicity of mine. I confess also that I am lazy in
praying to God. I am sinful. I repent of everything. O Lord, receive my repentance
and heal my soul.
27. My spiritual father! I am
young, yet already I sin: I do not imitate my Savior. He, as it is said in the
Gospel, [4] grew and was strengthened in spirit, being filled with wisdom; but
I am lazy in learning. He was obedient to His father and mother; [5] but I
sometimes do not obey them. All loved Him; [6] but not all love me—and I myself
am to blame for this: I lie, swear, am stubborn, do not wish to ask
forgiveness, mimic others, behave mischievously, quarrel, take certain things
without permission and conceal them, envy, imitate what is bad, sometimes do
not reveal the truth to my parents and instructors, and make the sign of the
cross and pray carelessly. I confess all these my sins. I repent of them and
desire to be wise and good. Lord, receive this my repentance and desire;
enlighten and save me.
28. Righteous masters remember
that those of their household are people created in the image of God, that they
are their brothers and sisters in Christ, and that God will require from them
an account for them; [7] remembering this, they are meek, merciful, and
compassionate toward them, spare their strength, provide for them, correct
them, give gifts, and offer them assistance (if they are able), so that not
only in old age but also upon a change of service they may not suffer want in
the basic necessities of life until they find new employment. — But I sometimes
treat them harshly, do not care for them, and if I do not cheat them, then
after settling accounts according to agreement, I do not provide them assistance,
although I am able to do so.
29. Righteous servants remember
that the Lord Jesus Christ Himself served others, [8] and that for their labors
they will receive recompense from Him when they fulfill their duties faithfully
and diligently; remembering this, they serve their masters as though serving
Christ Himself, to whom they must render account in all things; [9] they carry
out all commands respectfully, conscientiously, and accurately, and labor with
diligence, guarding their masters’ property as their own, and not permitting
themselves to disclose their weaknesses, much less to slander them. — But I
serve without much diligence (carelessly); I do not spare my master’s
possessions and damage them through negligence; I myself deceive and steal from
my masters, and even conceal from them the theft and deceit of other servants;
and if I do not slander them, I nevertheless judge them and disclose their
weaknesses, being myself sinful.
30. A perfect Christian is
chaste. He knows that his body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and that his
soul together with the spiritualized body is destined to live eternally among
the angels; knowing this, he (apart from sanctified marriage joined with restraint)
struggles against the lust of the flesh, asking from God the gift of purity, [10]
not allowing freedom to imagination, memory, or sensual thoughts, not
overindulging the belly, spending his days in labor, and at night signing
himself with the cross and entrusting himself to his guardian angel; he
struggles even unto old age and attains such perfection that he is no longer
inflamed either bodily or mentally, beholds beauty dispassionately as a flower
or a painting, and in the secret of his soul gives glory to God who created the
comely creation. And when, through the weakness of human nature, he falls, he
rises again; and when, like the harlot spoken of in the Gospel, he weeps over
his fall, hastens to the Savior, and, casting himself into the abyss of His
mercy, receives within himself with tears and sighs a drop of His most pure
blood, then he becomes incomparably purer than one who has never defiled his
virginity but has defiled his soul with sensual thoughts and has not cleansed
it by tears of repentance. Such is a chaste Christian. But in me there is not
even a shadow of such perfection. I am a slave to the flesh. I live
voluptuously, and through fornication lose money, property, health, and honor,
while acquiring diseases, premature old age, dullness of mind, emptiness of
soul, and make myself fully worthy of the wrath of God and eternal torment as
an unrepentant sinner. — And I, wretched one, already grown feeble, still sin
by recalling my former acts of fornication and taking pleasure in such
memories. — And though I have preserved virginity, yet in soul I am exceedingly
impure through fantasies, thoughts, desires, and lustful cravings. O Lord, I
dare not even raise my eyes to heaven, into which nothing unclean shall enter,
but from the depth of my soul I beseech Thee: have mercy on me according to Thy
great mercy, and according to the multitude of Thy compassions cleanse my
iniquity; forgive my falls into sin, and grant to me, Thy servant, chastity.
31. A perfect Christian, besides
chastity, possesses another greatest treasure—holy humility. It is the sense of
our spiritual weakness and the awareness of our sinfulness, the ascription to
God of all that is good within us and of all our good deeds, the remembrance of
all His mercies shown to us, and submission to His wise and holy will. He who
possesses this virtue judges no one, exalts himself above no one, does not
pursue glory, and does not love to shine by intellect. He is gentle, modest,
meek, peaceful, kind-hearted, and content, like a poor man receiving every
gift; obedient, condescending, and benevolent. But I am proud and self-reliant;
I boast of my knowledge, labors, and good deeds; I love praise alone, but
cannot endure remarks and am offended by them; I rarely say: as God wills…,
hope in God…, but almost always everyone hears from me: so I wish,
so I command, this I will do for you; rely on me—as though
I were God, and not a weak mortal, today strong, tomorrow insignificant, today
living, tomorrow dead. And what are the offspring of my pride and
self-reliance?—vanity, arrogance, anger, envy, evil speech, gossip,
irritability, contentiousness, quarrels, offenses, discontent, hypocrisy, and
worst of all, self-admiration for my conduct or for my supposedly blameless
service. O Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner, like a whitewashed tomb. I condemn
before Thee my self-reliance and pride together with all their offspring, and I
beseech Thee: uproot them from my heart and plant within me grace-filled
humility.
32. A perfect Christian is filled
with the fear of God. This fear, this sacred reverence of the soul which senses
everywhere the presence of God, is astonished by His greatness, and struck by
His holiness and righteousness, restrains such a Christian from transgressing
the commandments, binding his passions and restraining his self-will. — But in
me there is no fear of God, nor even concern or dread of trampling upon the law
of God. I do what my passions, evil inclinations, and habits command me to do.
Only particular chastisements and terrors of God—such as illnesses,
deprivations, misfortunes, destructive epidemics, plagues, and wars—bring me to
my senses and turn me toward God, yet only for a short time; when they pass, I
again depart from God and live lawlessly, because there is no fear of God
within my very soul. O God, be merciful to me, a sinner. I condemn before Thee
my forgetfulness of Thy saving visitations, my self-will, and my lack of
reverence before Thy majesty, and I beseech Thee: plant within me Thy fear.
33. In a perfect Christian there
exists an unceasing zeal for the fulfillment of all the commandments of the
Lord and a constant, most fervent thirst for justification by faith in the
merits of the Savior, arising from the fact that, owing to circumstances or to
the weakness of our nature, not all commandments are fulfilled, and even if all
are fulfilled, they are not fulfilled exactly nor always from pure motives. —
But in me there acts an unceasing zeal for the violation of all the
commandments of the Lord; and if I thirst for that justification, it is only
when I prepare for confession, and only in those days, while during all the
rest of the time I sin and only sin.
O God, be merciful to me, a
sinner; receive even my momentary repentance; help me to begin my salvation by
the fulfillment of at least three, or two, or even one of Thy commandments, and
strengthen my faith in my Savior; let at least this alone remain within me as a
shoot of Christian life, capable in time of bearing its fruit.
34. In a perfect Christian there
exists an inner light which illumines all the hidden turns of his heart and
helps him to recognize the state of his soul for its greater perfection. This
is spiritual discernment, which examines the lawfulness and purity of thoughts,
desires, inclinations, and actions, and gives proper direction to Christian
life. By the help of this light the Christian sees and knows whether the
sensual is mingled within him with the spiritual or not—for example: whether
impure attachment is mixed with mercy or friendship; with hospitality, a
personal desire for amusement; with prudence, cunning; with justice, cruelty or
impropriety; with meekness, unwillingness to serve one’s neighbor; with hope,
laziness; with chastity, self-admiration or irritability; with magnanimity,
pride; and with all deeds, vanity. Knowing this, he strives, as far as
possible, to separate the sensual from the spiritual, so that the soul may be
more luminous and pure. Examining himself, he knows what most strongly impels
him toward a righteous life—whether fear of eternal torment, hope of eternal
blessedness, or pure love for God and for goodness; knowing this, and
possessing one or another or the third as his anchor, he crosses the sea of
life, entrusting his vessel to the providence of God. Examining himself, he
knows whence temptations arise for him like storms—whether from lust of the
flesh, from love of money, or from ambition—and beforehand sets his sails and directs
his vessel so as not to be submerged in the abyss of sin. When, in the light of
inner discernment, it becomes evident that his temperance, meekness, obedience,
modesty, mercy, and heartfelt compunction are qualities natural to him and not
acquired in the soul by effort of mind and will, then he humbly acknowledges
that had God not created him such, he would not be saved; and, giving thanks to
the Most High for such undeserved mercy, he preserves what has been given to
him freely and fulfills his task within the sphere in which the will of God has
placed him.
But when it is found that victory
over evil inclinations and passions has been acquired after a long struggle
with them, after many falls and risings again, acquired by the efforts of mind
and will under the shelter of faith, and that a strict life began after this
victory; then the perfect Christian keeps vigilant watch over himself and
advances along the path of faith and good works, fearing lest, after so many
efforts, he turn back and remain only with the memory of his former struggle
and of his past triumph. Such inner experience makes him very indulgent toward
weaker souls, whose entire wealth consists in faith alone in the merits of the
Savior. This attentiveness to himself, this self-knowledge or self-examination,
reveals to him the state of his soul. But I, alas, am not attentive to myself.
My only treasure, an eternal treasure, is my soul; yet it is precisely for it
that I care the least. I do not even know its condition. I do not know that if
I am lazy toward every good work, this, as the Saints say, proceeds from the
absence of the fear of God in the soul and from our excessive indulgence toward
ourselves in everything. I do not know that the hardening of my heart and my
rootedness in habits of evil deeds began, as the Saints say, from indifference
toward everything divine, beautiful, and exalted—toward faith and the Church. I
do not know that my irritability and stubbornness draw their strength, as the
Saints say, from excessive self-love. I do not enter deeply into myself and do
not render to myself a daily account of my thoughts, desires, and actions.
If I better understood that
deprivations, sorrows, and failures are more beneficial for my soul than
constant prosperity, I would never murmur against God, who leads me along a
thorny path, doubtless because in prosperity I would have become far worse than
I am now. If I better knew all the impurity of my soul, I would not boast of my
blameless service. But I do not know myself. O God, be merciful to me, a
sinner. I condemn before Thee my negligence in examining myself, and I beseech
Thee: help me by Thy grace to discern within me the admixture of the sensual
with the spiritual, to distinguish the motives of my actions, to foresee
temptations and avoid them in due time, to preserve my better natural
qualities, to uproot my evil inclinations and habits, and to advance in
spiritual perfection.
35. In the perfect Christian,
prayer is a sweet union with God, an expression of love for Him and hope in
Him, consolation in sorrows, the meeting of human weakness with the grace of
the Holy Spirit, the cry of the soul to all its powers: Come, let us worship
our King and our God. In prayer he magnifies God, thanks Him for all
mercies, entrusts to Him himself and all that surrounds him, expresses sorrow
for his sins and for his inclinations toward evil, and in the name of the
Savior asks from Him forgiveness of sins, all that is good and beneficial for
the soul, enlightening and sanctifying grace, and for the world—peace and unity
of faith. He prays with faith and hope. In moments of prayer his heart burns. And
when in this burning he raises to God only seven petitions: Hallowed be Thy
name… Thy kingdom come… Thy will be done… Give us this day our daily bread…
Forgive us our debts… Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil,
then even these few but fervent petitions are more pure than a multitude of
words spoken coldly, without participation of the heart. If he offers to God
three supplications with tears or with contrition of heart: Cast me not away
from Thy presence and take not Thy Holy Spirit from me… Create in me a clean
heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me… Restore unto me the joy of
Thy salvation and uphold me with Thy governing Spirit, then such three
prayers are more effective than many prayer-readings performed without
compunction. If he says even two words—Lord, have mercy—several times
with faith, love, hope, and compunction, then even thus he ascends, as by
steps, to where human weakness meets the grace of God. If during prayer
uninvited thoughts, unexpected memories, or sudden imaginings arise in his
soul, he is not disturbed by them but prays more firmly, knowing that only
angels are capable of contemplation of God without distraction. If during
prayer some feeling is kindled within him—repentance, thanksgiving, or
surrender to the will of God—he retains this warmth within himself, repeating
the same prayer, and afterward begins, for example, to ask some mercy of God;
for such fervor of feeling is a sign by which he judges that at such moments
his guardian angel prays together with him. If he complains to God when he
knows that his conscience is clean in that matter, he complains not with
boldness but with deep humility, asking mercy both for himself and for those
who offended him. If he asks some mercy for himself or for others and God does
not fulfill his request, he does not murmur nor lose hope, knowing that his
prayer was not heard either because it was untimely, or because he himself is
impure, or others unworthy, or because its speedy fulfillment would have become
an occasion for spiritual negligence either for himself or for the one for whom
the prayer was offered. The prayer of a perfect Christian corresponds to the
state of his soul. Has he sinned with his tongue? He prays fervently: Set a
watch, O Lord, before my mouth. Has he excused some weakness or fall of his
own? He prays ardently: Incline not my heart to words of wickedness, to
devise excuses for sins—that is, to justify sins. Has he been wronged? He
says to God: Judge, O Lord, those who wrong me… forgive them, for they know
not what they do. Does he undertake an important task? He asks God: Give
me wisdom that sitteth by Thy throne. Thus prays the perfect Christian, and
his prayer gives the best direction to his life. But I do not even possess a
clear understanding of such prayer. I make prostrations, read various prayers
and many psalms, yet as for the dead—without burning of heart, coldly, by
habit—and therefore I am not corrected. Sudden memories or imaginings arising
during prayer I retain within myself, and having taken pleasure in them, cease
to pray. All my prayerful feelings and petitions are fleeting, like clouds
without water. I repent before God of my sins, yet not a single tear falls from
my eyes. I complain to Him of someone, yet do not wish to forgive the offender
nor ask mercy for him. I await the mercy I have asked from God, and not
receiving it, I murmur like an ignorant child who does not understand the
reason for a father’s or mother’s refusal. Not knowing myself well, I do not
know how to pray for myself: proud, I do not ask God to humble my soul; lazy
toward every good work, I do not beg for the fear of God; sensual, I do not
hasten toward the Savior; luxurious, I do not ask for spiritual riches;
darkened, I do not seek wisdom; harsh and irritable, I do not implore heartfelt
goodness. O God, be merciful to me, a sinner, and teach me to worship Thee in
spirit and in truth. And I, wretched one, rarely pray to God—unless thunder
strikes over me, illness lays me upon a bed, or hardship presses upon me. — And
I, as though not even a Christian, never pray to God. O Lord, have mercy on me,
a sinner, and bless me to begin praying even with the Our Father, even
with Lord, have mercy.
36. A perfect Christian believes
and confesses that the Triune God created all things visible and invisible and
governs all according to natural and moral laws; that Jesus Christ, the Son of
the living God, is the Savior of all people and the model of holy life; and
that the Holy Spirit is the distributor of spiritual gifts to each according to
the measure of his faith; he believes and confesses as the one, holy, catholic,
and apostolic Church teaches. But his faith is a living power which produces in
him reverence and humility before the greatness of God, submission to His will,
hope in His wisdom and goodness, thanksgiving for all His mercies, union with
Christ, imitation of His holy life, and a thirst for the gifts of the Holy
Spirit. But in me this faith is nothing more than an indistinct outline of a
magnificent picture, without colors, without expression, so that if some
non-believer or one weak in faith were to look into my soul and compare my
faith with my life, he would love neither me nor the doctrine which I profess.
It happens that I am ashamed to confess my faith before the sons of this age,
and even assume the mask of an unbeliever so that they may say of me: he is
intelligent. Such man-pleasing, such hypocrisy, cowardice, and trampling upon
what is holy are loathsome even to myself. It also happens that I doubt the
dogmas of the Christian faith merely because I do not comprehend them with my
mind, as though God ought not to do what I cannot understand. Most often it
happens that I do not think at all about the holy truths of faith, because I
live carelessly and do not in the least concern myself with the salvation of my
soul. O Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner, and add unto me that faith which
perfect Christians possess, and which alone will justify me before God by
giving better direction to my life.
37. A perfect Christian,
believing in God almighty, omniscient, most wise, just, merciful, eternal, and
the giver of immortality to souls, constantly hopes in Him. His hope is the
rational expectation of God’s help, righteousness, and mercy in all circumstances
of temporal life, and the living anticipation of eternal blessedness.
Possessing within himself this spiritual power, the Christian conducts all his
affairs as best he can, yet in such a way that he allows God to halt some of
them, strengthen others, or change their course and direction, according to
their connection with the affairs of other people and with the salvation of his
own soul, for this connection is known to God alone. Having entrusted to Him
himself, his powers, and his labors, he is no longer excessively troubled by
doubts, fears, or anxieties concerning the success or failure of his
undertakings; he does not go to fortune-tellers or soothsayers to ask what will
happen and when; he does not arrange his actions according to omens, dreams, or
divinations taken from the Gospel or Psalter; he does not make superstitious
vows to God in order to obtain the mercy he seeks; but when he receives it
according to faith and hope, he gives thanks to Him as he is able. In general,
he performs every work reasonably, vigilantly, calmly, and moderately,
preserving his own strength and the strength of those who labor with him,
entrusting much to the providence of God. Is he poor? He continues to labor as
long as he can, hoping that God and good people will not abandon him or those
close to him in old age and weakness. Is he unjustly humiliated in public
opinion? He grieves but does not despair, awaiting from God a change in his
condition and especially comforting himself in the knowledge that human opinion
means nothing when God sees his innocence or slight guilt. Is he distressed by
the misconduct of those dearest to him? He treats them as the sick, entrusting
their salvation to God and remembering the sure word of God: where sin
increased, grace abounded all the more. Is he struck by illness or burdened
by misfortunes? He endures like Job, uniting his sufferings with the sufferings
of the Lord and awaiting the crown prepared for everyone who endures to the
end. Is he called to difficult service in the state or in the Church? He
accepts it, not placing his will above the commands of lawful authority and
hoping for God’s help. Does he live in abundance, wealth, happiness, and
security, prospering in all things? He thanks God, and, considering himself a
stranger and pilgrim on earth, strives to acquire spiritual riches, that with
them he may appear in the heavenly kingdom which he awaits according to the
Lord’s promise. Such is the Christian who hopes in God. But although I also
hope in Him, my hope is neither full, nor firm, nor pure, nor strong. I am
excessively anxious, rely upon my own strength, think that I myself will
succeed in everything and accomplish all as I plan and desire; therefore I
possess neither peace of soul nor of body, am continually troubled by doubts,
invent all manner of fears, and only torment and exhaust myself; and my affairs
do not proceed as I wish or imagine. To this tormenting anxiety I add various
divinations and beliefs in omens, dreams, and predictions of fortune-tellers
and accomplices of demons who turn tables and write fantasies; thus I abase my
reason, weaken my submission to the will of God, and become the plaything of
foolish people and demons. Moreover, I sin by promising to set up a candle,
make an offering to the church, or go on pilgrimage—not to fulfill the duty of
a parishioner and Christian, but in order to obtain the mercy I desire from
God; thus I compel God, as it were, to expect a gift from me—God who has no
need of it—and if my superstitious hope is not fulfilled, I risk losing my
trust in Him. I sin grievously by yielding to excessive despondency in my
poverty, as though God did not care for the widow, the orphan, and the poor. I sin
grievously by excessive sorrow in times of undeserved humiliation or the loss
of someone dear to my heart, as though God were not able to justify the
innocent, and as though what is lost were not in His keeping. I sin grievously
by excessive grief over the corruption of souls close to me or by treating them
harshly, as though I were their Savior or judge. I confess that I murmur upon
the bed of sickness or under the burden of misfortunes and do not know how to
unite my sufferings with the sufferings of the Cross of my Lord. I confess also
that through cowardice I refuse (have refused) the service appointed to me, as
though God helps everyone except me. — And I, possessing every good thing, eat,
drink, and make merry, thinking neither of the hour of death nor of hell and
heaven, postponing repentance until old age in hope of the mercy of the Lord
who saved the thief upon the cross, as though the salvation granted to him in a
single moment—and to him alone, and upon the cross—might also be granted to me
and to others who have spent life in sin and pleasure, and as though I knew
that death would wait for my old age. O Lord my God! I condemn before Thee all
these my sins—self-reliance, anxiety consuming body and soul, continual
agitation from imagined dangers and fears, every superstition, despondency,
grief, excessive sorrow, murmuring, cowardice, carelessness concerning my
salvation, and the irrational postponement of repentance and amendment until
old age—and I beseech Thee: have mercy on me, a sinner, and grant me that hope
in Thee which perfect Christians possess.
38. A perfect Christian loves God
with all his soul and with all his heart, as his Creator, Providence, Savior,
Sanctifier, and Giver of immortality and eternally blessed life. His love for
Him is a sacred zeal by which he contributes, as far as he is able, to the
spread of the true faith where it has not yet been proclaimed or has not taken
root; and not only this zeal, but also fervor for the fulfillment of all the
commandments of the Lord, the transformation of the soul according to His image
and likeness, the adoration of His perfections, and such union with Him that
the soul lives, thinks, feels, acts, rests, and finds blessedness in Him alone.
Such love I, a sinner, do not possess. To our laborers who in Siberia and the
Caucasus baptize unbelievers into the Lord, I do not give even a single coin,
as though the light of Christ were needed by me alone. I imagine that I love
God, yet do not fulfill His commandments, while I satisfy every desire of a
beloved person. I do not imitate Christ my Savior—meek, humble, merciful,
righteous, forgiving His enemies, having no deceit in His mouth, most pure,
long-suffering, laboring, obedient to the will of the heavenly Father, doing
His will, praying, and suffering without murmuring. Throughout my whole life I
live, think, feel, and act as though apart from God, not thinking of Him. O
God, be merciful to me, a sinner. I condemn before Thee my indifference toward
the spread of the true faith, my self-will, my failure to imitate my Savior,
and my forgetfulness of Thee, the Giver of life, wisdom, virtue, and
immortality; and I beseech Thee: kindle within me perfect love for Thee—that
love which cries from the depths of the soul, Abba, Father!—that with
Peter I may say to Thee: Yea, Lord, Thou knowest that I love Thee.
39. All Christian virtues,
beginning from repentance to love for God, adorn the holy soul as the stars
adorn the heavens. And its crown is inner peace. This is the harmony of all the
powers of the soul—that is, imagination, memory, reason, will, and conscience—and
its rest in God, arising from the living awareness of God’s favor toward it
after it has become the image and likeness of Christ the Savior. Such peace or
repose is acquired after long harmonizing of these powers, after the keeping of
all the commandments and the fulfillment of all virtues. If reason predominates
in the soul over heartfelt feeling, or imagination over reason—there will be no
peace in it. If even one commandment be broken or one virtue excluded—there
will be no peace in the soul. If it does not recognize within itself the change
of God’s wrath into mercy toward it and does not feel God’s favor toward
itself—it will not experience peace. This peace is the final gift of God to the
holy soul. Few of God’s chosen ones have possessed it. How then shall I, a
sinner, receive it, when in me reason and heart are not in harmony, when good
deeds are either altogether absent or very few, and even those are mixed with
self-love and vanity, while almost all the commandments have been transgressed
by me? Would that the Lord might grant me at least to taste that peace of soul
which comes immediately after confession and the remission of sins. Even this
peace is a great good! I thirst for it, and from the depths of my soul I cry
unto Thee, O God my Savior: be merciful to me, a sinner; receive my sincere
repentance, forgive all my sins voluntary and involuntary, heal my ailing soul,
and grant it at least a drop of grace-filled repose in Thee.
Amen.
NOTES
1. Mortal sins are: 1) spiritual pride, which rejects the
grace and help of God and dreams of self-made perfection; 2) hatred joined with
malice, which causes harm to the one whom one hates; 3) gluttony or overeating
and drunkenness; 4) fornication; 5) murder; 6) carelessness concerning the
salvation of the soul; 7) despair leading to suicide. These seven sins are
forgiven only after repentance, prolonged penance, and amendment of life.
Whoever dies in such a sin without repentance will be condemned to eternal
torment.
2. 1 Tim. 2:9–10
3. 1 Tim. 5:14
4. Luke 2:40
5. Luke 2:51
6. Luke 2:52
7. Eph. 6:9; Col. 4:1
8. Matt. 20:28; Mark 10:45
9. Eph. 6:5 ff.; 1 Tim. 6:1–2; 1 Pet. 2:18–19
10. Wisdom 8
Russian source: Исповедь кающагося
грешника, by Bishop Porphyry, 4th edition, Moscow: Printing House of I.
Efimov, 1879.
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