If you need to make a quick
decision, and you understand that you ought to consult someone about the matter
that concerns you, but you have no one near you who could advise you, turn to
God and, as the Fathers teach us, invoke His help three times. Then do whatever
He enlightens you to do.
I cannot approve of your passion
for smoking cigars. Consider this: previously, you could have regarded yourself
as a free woman. But now you are a slave, enslaved to a foolish whim. My advice
is: Give it up! Give it up for your own good. Think, too, of how much money you
are wasting. And also of how much harm you are doing to your health. In other
words: You are paying for your slavery! And you are paying for your death! What
kind of logic is that?
I understand that you are now
continually tormenting yourself over that phrase you blurted out during our
conversation: “Marriage! For me, that was a punishment from God!” Ever since
you returned home, your friends and relatives have not stopped telling you that
these words must have greatly angered God, because in this way, you showed that
you wanted to arrange your life according to your own will and not His. And
they add that every desire and every longing are sinful feelings. And that each
time you should abandon yourself completely to circumstances as they naturally
unfold—that is, to the will of God!
That is what they say. And I say
to you:
Do not seek truth or consolation
in the showy arguments of worldly people. Seek them only in the word of God. It
is He, and no one else, who gives man true wisdom and genuine freedom. These
gifts of His, however, we ought to use in a steadfast and heroic struggle for
our spiritual progress. Your desire, for example, to dedicate yourself to God
springs from this deep source of your free will.
When our desires, clarified and
illumined by reason and understanding, aim at the accomplishment of what is
good—and what is good is nothing other than the will of God, which must be done
“as in heaven, so on earth”—when we live and act always with this end in view,
God is well pleased and supports us. But even when, in an outburst of
irrational selfishness, we question His holy will and attempt to act contrary
to it, He still does not intervene to override our will. He allows us to act
wrongly, indeed, but freely. Inevitably, of course, in the first case we
receive our reward, while in the second we receive condemnation, as is
testified many times in Holy Scripture.
We, however, act in accordance
with our genuine human nature when we ardently desire what is good and when we
struggle with perseverance and courage to accomplish it. There is nothing wrong
with this at all. On the contrary, it is foolish to believe that all our
desires are sinful, that we should never ask God to fulfill our longings, and
that we must abandon ourselves fatalistically and passively to whatever may
befall us. Without doubt, such an attitude is contrary to reason, human nature,
and the sacred texts. Desire is not a sin. Only the desire for evil is a sin.
How could man belong to the kingdom of God the Logos and be a rational and free
creature if all his desires were evil?
And if you were supposed to force
yourself to desire absolutely nothing—not a happy marriage, but not even the
purity of the virginal life—what kind of life would that be? You are neither a
log nor a stone. And I imagine you would never want to be one. You were created
a woman, free to desire, to choose, and to act—always, however, in accordance
with God.
* * *
There is no reason to fear
praise. We need only guard ourselves against the satisfaction and pleasure that
it may produce within us. Abba Isaac says that this satisfaction, whenever we
feel it, is our entire reward. Let us not then expect a reward from God as well
for whatever good we have done. Praise, however, is harmless when we remain
indifferent and unmoved by it. Do not be troubled, either, because you once
made the decision to read a Paraklesis every day at a specific hour, and
now, as you say, it is impossible for you to carry out your decision. So you
ask me: “Since it is absolutely impossible for me to read the Paraklesis
at the appointed hour, may I do it later, while I am knitting or looking after
the children?”
And I answer you categorically:
No! That would certainly be wrong. Our promises to God are not like debts that
we owe to a harsh moneylender, a lender who wants us to repay him down to the
last ruble without caring about anything else. The Lord does not want us to be
slaves; He wants us to be free.
If, then, you truly and
objectively cannot carry out your decision, show humility and self-reproach on
account of it, regarding yourself as a humble debtor. If you avoid the
temptation of agitation and irritation, you will gain far greater spiritual
benefit than if you were to mutter, half-heartedly, hurriedly, and
indistinctly, words of prayer, only to be followed by self-satisfaction and
pride because you supposedly kept your promise despite all the difficulties.
* * *
Human life is subject to radical
changes. These changes are sometimes gradual and sometimes lightning-fast. But
even when we enjoy long-lasting prosperity and glory, we cannot find
consolation, we cannot find joy and happiness, unless our heart is illumined by
the strong and steadfast light of peace. It is this peace that we must seek; it
is for this peace that we must pray. The peace that the Lord gave to His
disciples and to all those who truly believe in Him: “Peace I leave with you,
My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not
your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:27).
You say that your daughter and
your son-in-law are trying to persuade you to stay with them, but you cannot
bring yourself to decide upon it unless I give you my blessing, assure you that
everything will turn out well for you, and, finally, certify to you that you
will be happy there!
But how am I to know all these
things? Who am I to know what will happen to you in this village or that city?
I am neither a soothsayer nor a prophet.
The only thing I can say is this:
I believe that this change, from the quiet of the village to the bustle of the
city, will probably not be beneficial to you. It is certainly pleasant to live
with those whom one loves. But how long will that pleasure last?
Nevertheless, I do not want to
influence you. In this matter I want to leave your will free. I pray only that
you will align it with the will of God.
Greek
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