Reflections of a Christian During Illness

Archbishop Apollos (Belyaev) of Vyatka (+1885)

Reflection 1

I have become weak, and I did not open my mouth, for Thou hast done this to me. (Ps. 38:9)

And should I complain when my God and Father increases my wounds out of love, so as to heal me? O Lord! Chasten me; I bow my neck. Your blows are beneficial to me; how many mercies You conceal within them! Ah! If You had not struck my body, my soul would have perished by its own hand. Thus, it was entirely covered with sins, but You looked upon it; You had mercy on it. Behold, You strike the body that served sin; You destroy all my proud plans. Thus, may You be blessed forever! I kiss the hand that has instructed me; I bless the arm that, in chastisement, preserves its servant.

 

Reflection 2

Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am weak. (Ps. 6:3)

O my all-good God! How can I incline You to mercy, except with tears over the misery of my soul? You see how much I need Your help; You make me feel that without it, I cannot even live. Grant me, O God, that the awareness of my poverty may make me more attentive to myself. In mercy, through illness, You have struck my flesh to cleanse it from sin; You have revealed sickness in my body for the salvation of my soul and to turn me away from harmful pleasures. Bodily illness troubles me—how, then, did I not fear the dreadful pain of my soul? How could I offer it as a sacrifice to vanity and pride, the most dangerous of all passions? I was grievously ill and did not realize that I was sick in spirit. I was like one afflicted with a severe fever, in which the sufferer cannot distinguish what is harmful and what is beneficial. O God! Grant that my illness may open my eyes and enkindle in my heart a zeal for pleasing You.

 

Reflection 3

For unto you it is given on behalf of Christ, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake. (Phil. 1:29)

Holy honor—it is to suffer for Christ! The world, lying in evil, knows this, but the holy Apostle values it as highly as faith—a gift of the Holy Spirit. It is God’s goodness, it is His mercy when He grants us the strength to suffer.

But is there any benefit when one suffers impatiently, unwillingly? No, for thus suffer even the spirits of wickedness. If a sinner suffers but does not wish to endure suffering, does he not find in his torments the beginning of eternal anguish? But he who willingly submits to suffering finds in his sorrows a source of consolation and turns them into eternal good for himself.

Lord Christ! Strengthen me and grant me the faith and patience of the saints! And if a rebellious sigh escapes from my heart, exposing my lack of endurance, remember my weakness, and by Your grace, grant me the strength to cleanse my soul with the tears of repentance.

You see, O God, the afflictions that oppress me. Nature cries out within me—what answer shall I give it? The deceitful world lures me with its enticing flattery—how shall I resist it? Ah! I have no strength within me for this struggle. Am I truly condemned only to suffer in silence? Be my protector; with Your almighty shield, repel all the temptations of the world that have so often beguiled me. Strengthen my heart against the cries of my frail nature! Ah! The afflictions You have sent upon me press heavily upon me. I suffer—hasten to my aid, my merciful Savior!

 

Source: Пастырские наставления [Pastoral Instructions], St. Petersburg: Printing House of the Department of Appanages, 1867.